Awkward Holiday Outtakes
Estimated reading time: 7 minutes, 39 seconds
Our entire team took great pride in the creation of this year's HCK2 seasonal greeting. Our theme was "holiday awkwardness" — and, as you may have seen in our cards, we certainly had more than enough to go around! In fact, we had so many funny pictures and awkward holiday moments submitted by eager employees, we couldn’t fit them all on to the card. They were too good to just discard, so we thought we'd give you the rest of the awkwardness that didn't quite make the cut. (If you didn't receive a card, please email us and we'll get one right to you!)
- Yarn-of-the-month club.
- Blood alcohol level tester.
- Matching sweaters for everyone...including the dog and cat.
- Year’s supply of Beano.
- Clothes that are obviously too big, or too small, for you.
- Unsolicited weight loss books, “so you can start the New Year right”.
- Garden gnomes. They're creepy.
- Pens that are branded from the bank where they were given away free.
- An ovulation predictor kit & pregnancy tests from over-zealous future grandparents.
- Gift certificate for facial hair waxing, maid service or to a tattoo parlor. All bad ideas.
- Honey-Baked Ham... and you’re a vegetarian.
- There’s nothing quite like unwrapping a beautiful package, only to realize that the only thing inside is a farting dog or a singing bass from Spencer’s Gifts.
- Gift cards for gas and groceries “so you can get to work and eat because we know you’re broke”.
- Back in the days of VHS, it was easy to tape over things. Especially if you had a VHS camcorder. Make sure that tape labeled Charlie Brown's Christmas is actually that.
- Having carolers stand at your door as you stare uncomfortably back at them... secretly hoping they don’t start another song.
- When someone you barely know gives you a nice gift and you don’t have one for them.
- When you're at the holiday dinner and your parents tell your boyfriend, "We're so glad she found a new boyfriend, because the guy she brought last year was such a loser!" And it's the saaaaame boyfriend.
- Asking a kid what Santa’s bringing him this year and the kid says sadly, “We don’t get anything, we’re Jewish.”
- Getting caught under the mistletoe with someone you barely know. And they have bad breath.
- Those huge antlers and red noses that people put on their cars.
- Your neighbor’s 12-foot tall blow up Homer Simpson Santa that says “D’oh! Ho! Ho!” on it.
- Pushing people out of your way for Black Friday deals. Nothing says Christmas cheer like the mall at Christmas time.
- Yes, yard art....yart!
- Those reindeer that you stuff with jellybeans and when you press down on them, they poop out a jelly bean.
- People who put up their Christmas tree the day after Halloween.
- People who have their Christmas tree at the curb on the morning of December 26.
- The radio station that plays holiday tunes 24/7.
- The creepy uncle videotaping the entire holiday celebration.
- The dude who looks like Santa without trying.
- I liked when everyone in my family came of drinking age. The holidays got a lot more out of hand. We started with Milk Punch around 10am and ended the night with boxes (errr.... bottles) of wine. Guesstures is a lot more entertaining with a healthy buzz.
- What’s up with the upside-down Christmas tree? Is it not an accident waiting to happen?
- The year I almost got decapitated helping my dad add a life-size sheet metal bow to a 8 foot by 10 foot package my dad and brother built as our Xmas yard decoration
- Remember when you were six, and tried to stay up to catch Santa Claus? How about that time that your uncle Steve climbed in the attic and started thumping on the roof to make you think Santa was there, which prompted your uncle Dan to run for the shotgun "’cause reindeer's good eats".
- Hiding under the dining room table from a crazy relative who shall remain nameless.
- I attended midnight mass on Christmas Eve with my college roommate. Not being Catholic I was excited for actual wine at communion, but apparently they don't like it if you stand behind someone and chant "Chug. Chug. Chug."
- My grandma Vera's famous 'snicker doodle salad' being in the "salad" section of the buffet line every year. It is Snickers bar and apples covered in whip cream, are you kidding me?! A holiday recipe I still love (and make) today!
- When my in-laws gave my brother-in-law a “banana container” as a gift. It was extremely phallic. Awkward moment, ahoy!
- Planning which fast food we'll pick up on the way home from Christmas Eve dinner every year since someone's aunt is horrible cook.
- My mom told me Santa Claus was not true on Christmas morning because I was pouting that I didn’t get my Barbie skates.
- My grand-friend (grandmother's boyfriend)'s mom who was like 306 years old fell over on top of an ottoman. She didn't get hurt, just sorta draped over it like a turtle shell... then her teeth fell halfway out as she called for him to come help. "Jim...Jim...Jim..." except her teeth were half in her mouth so it just sounded like this mumbling mess coming from a really old turtle.
- Kicking the dogs out of the dining room during Christmas dinner because you thought it was them farting, only to find out it was Uncle Roger.
- In high school my best friend and I had our picture taken with Santa – and he started rubbing our backs.... Can you say, CREEPY?!?!?
- Getting food poisoning 3 consecutive Thanksgivings.
- Everyone loves lighting the fireplace for the holidays. Just make sure you open the flue. If the smoke doesn't escape, the carbon monoxide alarms go off. When your alarm monitoring company sees the carbon monoxide alarm, they alert the fire department. When the fire department responds to a carbon monoxide call, they're required to roll in full gear, and bring paramedics along.
- I'm sure everyone's seen a child pull the Christmas tree over. Bonus points if it happens to close to the fire mentioned above.
- Driving out to the woods and picking out a tree, only to discover you forgot a chainsaw.
- "It theems tho long, thince I could thay, Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!" – from All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
- “He’ll say are you you married, we’ll say ‘no man’, but you can do the job while you’re in town” – from Winter Wonderland. Woah, hitting the good ol' JOP over Christmas... classy!
- “Put on your yalmulka, here comes hannukkuh, it’s so much fun-akkah, to celebrate hannakkuh” – from Adam Sandler’s Hannakkuh Song
- “Oh bring us some figgy pudding..” – from We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Figgy pudding huh?
- "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” – the whole song is awkward.
- The song “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.” Your mom hooking up with Santa? So wrong.
- “He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop...” – from Frosty the Snowman. Frosty rolled over on his peeps!
- The Southpark Christmas Album, "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" – the entire thing
- Anything low fat. Hello! It is the holidays.
- Venison – seriously, you’re gonna eat Rudolf at Christmas?
- Canned Cranberry Sauce... I mean... look at it.
- Eggnog. Remember that scene in Napoleon Dynamite w here he worked on the chicken ranch, and the ranchers whipped up a healthy lunch for the boys? Remember that jar of raw eggs they drank. Think of that next time you see eggnog.
- And again I say, green Jell-O!
- Any food with fruit baked into it is pretty awkward
- Sausage BALLS.
- Deep fried turkey.
- Mandarin oranges….what or who made those Christmasey??
- “Now that all the in-laws are here, what does everyone think about Obamacare?”
- Being asked to say grace before dinner. (It's totally awkward if you’re an atheist.)
- When your kid announces at dinner, “My mom said Aunt Suzie needs to lay off the gravy.”
- When you’re sitting down to Christmas dinner, and Grandma asks how school's going, and you realize you forgot to tell everyone you dropped out in September.
- Being asked your relationship status and having the table get quiet as everyone tunes in.
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