Blog
07.01
8 Facebook-based Movies I'd Prefer Over "Mafia Wars"
The "Arrested Development" movie never got made. That still stings. Now, rumor has it the wells of originality responsible for today's box office offerings are vomiting salt into that nearly healed wound by contemplating a movie based on the "Mafia Wars" Facebook game. Behold.
I've spent a lot of time filtering my news feed by blocking friends whose only updates seem to be "Paul found a dead hooker in Mafia Wars and needs your help stuffing her in the trunk" or whatever the heck. The possibility of this flick hitting theaters is a nightmare from beyond the seventh level of movie hell.
Pictured: Seventh level of movie hell
If we have to base a movie on Facebook, there must be better sources of material than Mafia Wars. So, humbly, I offer my top eight ideas to the movie moguls who I know read every blog post I write:
8. "Farmville: Escape from Your Bored Aunt"
An artsy cinéma vérité horror film in which our hero and her friends try desperately to get away from an unknown creature destroying their surroundings by throwing lost sheep. Spoiler alert: the creature is Aunt Emma, who just woke from a nap.
7. "Relationship Status: The Movie"
Talking heads. "I'm single," says Anne. "I'm in a relationship with Anne," says David. "We've only been on three dates," says Anne. "I'm single," says David. "Are you breaking up with me?" says Anne. "I'm in a relationship with Anne," says David. "I can't be with someone who isn't decisive," says Anne. "I'm in a relationship with Matt," says David.
6. "You've Been Tagged"
A remake of "You've Got Mail" in which Tom Hanks immediately knows Meg Ryan's identity and they never go on a date because Meg Ryan looks really bad drunk.
5. "Surprise! I'm a Right-Wing Nutcase"
A "The Birds"-esque slow burn in which an unsuspecting fellow reconnects with old coworkers and long-lost family members. Tension builds as one by one they reveal an irrational devotion to Fox News. In one climactic scene, our protagonist gets trapped in a phone booth while his friends hurl Glenn Beck books at him.
4. "Who the Hell Are You?" Based on a True Story
A classic mystery in which a complete strangers repeatedly walk up to our hero and claim to know him. "We have 15 friends in common... but who the hell are you?" he wonders. In the dénouement, each stranger reveals how they know him, and he maybe had a locker on the same row as them in junior high.
3. "Poke Back Mountain"
Moving on.
2. "Robert Became a Fan of Ke$ha"
A gritty documentary of Robert's descent into complete madness.
1. "What's On Your Mind?"
Three hours of a white screen and a blinking cursor.
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I'll anxiously await my overall deal, Paramount.
shawn.wood
And he comes back with a vengeance. Nice. However, you neglected the "take the title however you want" movie, "Pillow Fight". Sheesh.
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